Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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