i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
