Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
