I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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