Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
