I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
