Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
