Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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