Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
