I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Congratulations! We have a period
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
