you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
