i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
