I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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