Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
