I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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