I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
