Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
