How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
