The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
