I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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