Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
