Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
