why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
