I wish I could teleport
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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