My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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