Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
