the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
