I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
