you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
