i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
