This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i love accidental penises.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
