Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
