Im at strip club and am horny
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
