I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
