Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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