i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
