So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
