Michael Bay diarrhea
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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