Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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