Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
