Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
