just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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