you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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