i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
