her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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