we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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