I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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