booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
