to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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