Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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